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[27 Jul 2004|10:13am] |
Is it just me, or am I distancing everyone again?
Is it just me, or am I not myself?
Is it just me, or am I scared again?
Is it just me, or did I not realize how horrible I truly am?
Is it just me, or have I changed?
Is it just me, or is change a bad thing?
Is it just me, or has life gotten better?
Is it just me, or does life getting better means I've gotten worse?
Is it just me, or am I broken again?
Is it just me, or am I getting worse with every passing day?
Is it just me, or am I wishing for that blade again?
Is it just me, or was I much better before?
Is it just me, or am I never going to get over this darkness?
Is it just me, or am I becoming too weak to fight it?
Is it just me, or am I giving in, letting it take over?
Is it just me, or is this the cowards way of telling you?
Is it just me, or do I hate myself entirely again?
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[26 Jul 2004|09:14pm] |
Okay Max, I'm hoping you still read this...
You know, I did care about being friends before the whole Matt fight thing, you wanna know the fun part here? WE WERE FRIENDS! I didn't need to worry about it. We may have fought, but we were used to that! You may not think I cared, because how much I said I can hate you, and I *can* but...I don't...most of the time when I say that it's to get a point across...I don't hate people...there are maybe three people in this world I hate...and you aren't one of them...Yah, I do get extreme feelings of dislike for you at times, but only when I do something stupid to make you do something stupid...I know a lot of these fights are my fault...but this one...I can't figure out..you won't even tell me what we're fighting about! I'm sorry for whatever it is, I really am...if it's making this happen...It's gotta be bad...so I assure you I am sorry.
I don't know how you got the impression that I don't care..but I do...a lot...and this is driving me mad Max...I love you, and you know that. Or at least you should; and...I miss you. I miss you being my friend, I miss us staying up on the fone til like 2 in the morning...I miss you being one of my best friends...I miss you singing the darkness to me...i miss your lullabys...i miss you having to talk me into going to sleep when you were the one who was tired first...i miss you max...everything...I miss everything about you, I admit that, I miss our tiny fights, but i hate these big ones, I hate how you block me and dont let me explain...but most of all...i hate not being there for you, and you not being there for me...we were so close max...what happened?
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| this is so fitting... |
[22 Jul 2004|04:23pm] |
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music |
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Dare you to move...Switchfoot |
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Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself
Lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before
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[11 Jul 2004|08:06pm] |
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
I am *not* in love with Matthew David Wilburn.
Holy hell...I haven't been able to get all the way through that sentence today without bursting into tears...I've told myself that so many times, but I can't make myself believe it. You guys, I think I'm in love...=/ I don't like being in love...
-sigh- I don't want to be in love...but I am...-shakes head- Rissy is gonna make fun of me...if she believes me that is...hmph...I know he doesn't feel the same way though...I know it...hmph...-sigh- I spent all day in tears...then it came to two o clock...and I had to get dressed to go out with gramma...so I got in the shower...cried my heart out...and then was as done with it as I can be...then I pretended to be happy Megan again...I hate that...
I love the way my family never notices anything though...they were playing love songs all over the house...every room but mine had a different one playing...literally...and mine *isnt* sound proof...so I sat upstairs in the living room...trying to drown it out...but ended up laying facing the couch...sobs racking my body...tears streaming down my face...and no one noticed...no one at all..and they were all right there...-sigh- I love that...but when I said I spent all day in tears...I meant it...from the time I woke up...about 6...to the time I took a shower...I had tears in my eyes and on my cheeks...without fail...I hate crying.
I'm going out of town...so don'tbe surprised by the lack of updating...not that you would be anyway...
Love you all. You especially Dearest. Mwuah. Goodbye and good faring. Love you.
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[10 Jul 2004|07:40pm] |
Why do I always fuck everything up?! Why the fuck am I so fucking horrible!!??!!
I'm pretty sure Matt hates me.
I'm almost completely sure Matt hates me.
I'm almost positive Matt hates me.
I am positive Matt hates me.
Matt hates me.
It's all my fucking fault too. If I hadn't been my stupid fucking whorish self everything would be fine.
If I weren't such a fucking slut me and him would still be great.
If I weren't so fucking horrible everything would be wonderful.
But no, I'm a horrible whorish slut who always has to fuck up everything good in her life, everything that makes her happy.
Everything was fine, until I fucked it all up. -sigh-
OK time for the story behind all of this:
Matt, Melissa, Brian, Dickie, and I all went to the Adventure Dome today. We were all having a great time, until me and Melissa get lost. Matt and them had walked away from us by accident...Well we get back to the dome and we notice these two boys following us. They keep giving us the "come hither look" so we giggle and look at them then giggle again, we do this every time we see them after that. Well, Matt notices, but doesn't ask. He ignores it, and goes on with his day. But then...Melissa saw them following us, but they make a right instead of a left and go on the water ride instead of the roller coaster...we were headed to the roller coaster with all the guys...but Melissa asked me if I would rather go on the water ride...of course this is the part where I fuck up. I said yes, and we told Matt, then left...We get there and stand in the line next to the boys...they don't even make an attempt to talk to us...we're giggling, and looking at them, then Matt walks up. He ditched his friends to come ride with us...-sigh- he notices us laughing, and asks what is so funny...and of course, Melissa explains we followed the guys that have been following us...he just looks at me for a second...then looks away...and leaves. I tried to stop him! I really did! but...he pushed me off...-sigh- I ruin everything. So yeah, we go on the ride, he's waiting for Melissa at the exit...not for me...-sigh- Melissa and Brian decide to go on the roller coaster...but me dickie and Matt...decide to stay...he tries to get me to go...he tells me straight out to go...but I stay, and I try to stand next to him...but he tells me to fuck off...
I RUIN EVERYTHING!
My god I'm pathetic...this is the first time I've cried in a while...I hate this. I hate me. I am the worst thing to ever happen to me. -crying- I was falling for him...and I still am...my god why does this hurt so bad?
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[14 Jun 2004|07:47am] |
Yes I do realize I am being a bit hard on Zack, I posted on his LJ again after he left me this message: semper est pereo (1:29:12 AM): Alright, Megan, you seem to be having a bad day. So I'm going to delete my LJ comment from your LJ and just forget you ever posted on mine, I hope things go better for you...I don't really have any urge to fight you any more then to fight your sister. Hope you feel better...
But...I'm sure everyone knows this feeling, there has to be at least one person out there for everyone. With Zack, he seems like a prick even when he's trying to seem nice, at least he does to me. He doesn't want to fight with us yet he throws the past in our face. Well he can have fun with that. If I hadn't been told he had put me and my sister in his journal I never would have been slightly tempted to read it. And yet he tries to be vague. I don't get you Zack and I don't think I ever will. You have wonderful friends that you treat horribly and that only put up with you because they don't want you to become a shut-in...best friends I've ever heard of. Zack, I just want you to stop being such a pretentious jerk. You know...there was a time when I got along with you, back when we first met, before you were such a bastard to Casey. No matter how much I say I don't I love my sister and I am very protective of her. She can be quite sensitive, and sometimes, with some people, she can't say what she needs to say. That's why I had that conversation with you Zack, I said all the things she needed to say, all the things she should have said long ago. This isn't fighting Zack, this is pay-back for a year of pain and hurt, this is what you get when you use a beautiful, smart girl and make her think she is worthless. Even if you didn't intend to Zack you did, your personality type proves it. You wonder why I hate you so much, you've scarred her in ways that can't be healed or hidden, only disguised from day to day and left festering as the wound grows with every thought of you. I just want you to see how much you've hurt her, you say she's hurt you so much more, but you won't even know pain until you've felt the depression she has to go through. You've never felt real depression I can guaruntee that Zack, most people haven't. But I can guaruntee you it is hell on earth. There is no way around it and there is no way to heal it, when it comes it can't be stopped and there is no cure. You can take medication to dull and postpone it of course, but in the end that makes it worse, as your body becomes more and more relient on the medication the worse it becomes and soon you become immune and the depression comes back ten fold, but you still can't stop taking the medication, because if you do, you get the shakes and you cry uncontrollably, you spend hours with your muscles spazzing and days puking your guts out. You want to know what depression feels like Zack? You want to know the true meaning of suicidal thoughts? Take a walk in our families shoes for just one day and the pain will last you a life time.
If it helps any at all, I am sorry. You've never met the real me. I don't like to hurt people and I regret it terribly and often sink into a bout of depression when I do, and you know what? I'm risking that for this, I'm risking that pain just to make sure you know all of this. I don't like hurting people Zack, and I'm not especially good at it. But you've hurt my sister too many times, I can't help but feel that you deserve this.
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[13 Jun 2004|11:48pm] |
Oh yes and did I forget to mention:
Zack I made this fucking journal because I was tired of you reading my last one, now I know that you must find the musings of a teenage girl more interesting than your own life, but if you would kindly stop reading my journal then I'd be quite grateful, I might even bring you down a few notches on the prick scale, even though it wouldn't help much seeing as you're so high up there. I never did read your journal. I really never found you that interesting. I know that Casey doesn't read it anymore either. And I don't know how the fuck you think that you know someone from our house *is* reading it because livejournal does not give out fucking I.P. adresses, so there is no way you could know. And please, stop antagonizing me and my sister. You see, it's kind of an odd concept, but if you leave us alone, we leave you alone. Maybe you can get that through your head one of these days. And about all us Howard girls being the same, you're right, we are the same, we're all too good for you, although I think it'd be hard to find a girl you're good enough for, or even a guy for that matter. Maybe you should resort to beastiality, although I'd still feel sorry for the poor animal. You're not good enough for that either, stick to the hand, even though it's a bit big for the thing you like to call a dick. I'm done Zack, I hope you are too.
Edit---Okay I wanted to see what all the hype was you were creating about your journal, and just as I said, it really isn't at all interesting. You say you don't care who reads it in a lot of your entries, but you care if we do, you also told me not to put something on the internet if you don't want it read. You remember that right? The whole reason I made this journal? Well I really do have to thank you for that you know, cuz now I really couldn't give a fuck whether or not you read all my past entries, it's not like any of them mean anything to me now, it's all in the past zack dear. I plan on leaving you a comment in your journal, but I am going to be a bit vague so I'll hammer out all the details here. You say you've moved on from Casey, well then why do you talk so much about her in your entries, you even openly lied about it, you said you hadn't said anything about her in your journal postMarch, are you forgetting that post means after? Because there were many many many entries that talked about her through out April and May, and here's the fun part, I never even read all of the April entries, I stopped when I got about Mid-April out of boredom. You say you're a likable person in your journal, yet...In just about every entry, you sound like a self-absorbed jerk-off. If you ask me Zack, you need to get layed, and then that girl needs to tell you what a sad-fuck you are. Maybe then you'll get over yourself. You *did* use and abuse Casey. I know you did. I've read some of the conversations you had with her, I caught her in tears over you more then once. And you know what? You did *not* spend more money on her than she did on you, almost every penny that she had that didn't put to debate funds was used on you. And that book she made you, that took her forever, she put so much meaning behind that book, she poured endless hours into it. And you're bitchy enough to say something about her cheating and lying to you? She wasn't cheating on you then! I'm not even sure if she ever did, the more I get to know her the more I doubt she ever did. Yeah she was lying about cutting, but so what?! It was her way of coping and she knew it made you upset! It's common for a cutter to hide it as best they can, unless they are a prick and just doing it to make someone feel bad like a certain Zack Martin I could mention. You did a good job of making her feel bad too. Go figure. You think you know what love is Zack? Well I think you should try harder. Maybe you'll realize love is more then using someone and hurting them to get what you want. Maybe you'll realize Casey is the best you can do. Maybe just maybe, you'll find someone to put up with all your shit, or maybe, and this would be much better, you'll get past it. Stop trying to make her feel bad, and stop making yourself seem so big. We can all tell you are feeling inadequate so you are hurting the people around you. Your coping mechanisms may be normal, but the normal ones hurt the most people.
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[13 Jun 2004|11:45pm] |
epeepurist (10:30:19 PM): you should be happy, your free of me, finally
Auto response from SockBunnyLvr (10:30:19 PM): gah boys suck
epeepurist (10:30:24 PM): you dont have to deal with my shit any more
My reply in my away message:
SockBunnyLvr: Okay seeing as you have probably already made a new screen name that you don't plan on telling me, I'll leave the fucking message here. You think I want to be free of you? If that was the case I would have left a long time ago. Another thing, why the fuck would me having a boyfriend make me free of you?! You were the one who wanted me to be with him! Remember?! Cuz I do! If you're going to stop talking to me over a boyfriend then you really are as fucking stupid as you say you are! It's not fucking worth it, but whatever! I don't care anymore. Obviously you are just trying to find stupid ways to get rid of me, it's your fucking choice, you wanna stay then stay, or vice versa cuz I really don't give a fuck anymore. Maybe once you get the fucking ticks out of your twot you'll realize what a fucking prick you're being. Glad I didnt put names?
I hate him so much sometimes...
But I do get to see Matt tomorrow...that should brighten me up a bit. Much love all. Hope everything goes okay tomorrow Muggy my Dearest...call me if you can...if I'm not home I prolly won't be until around 7:30 your time or later. I'll call you back if Mandy tells me you called. Love you Dearest lots and lots and lots.
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[13 Jun 2004|09:31pm] |
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:06:56 PM): call me when your done, i need to ask u somthing
Auto response from SockBunnyLvr (9:06:56 PM): watching harry potter with mandala :-D wow im such a dork...hehe but its fun so w/e
SockBunnyLvr (9:17:19 PM): what do you need honey?
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:17:42 PM): uh...*tries to remember*
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:18:07 PM): ooh 1.what did your away message mean when u came home from chrissys?
SockBunnyLvr (9:18:15 PM): what was it?
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:18:19 PM): somthing about the world turning upside down and ending up good
SockBunnyLvr (9:18:22 PM): oh
SockBunnyLvr (9:18:27 PM): its just a quote i like
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:18:40 PM): k, and 2, are u and matt going out yet?
SockBunnyLvr (9:18:43 PM): yeah
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:18:48 PM): k, good luck
Ziggy Fi FOD signed off at 9:18:50 PM.
My away message after that: "Gah boys suck"
And he says he doesn't like me anymore...even though he blocks me after he hears I have a new boyfriend. Go fucking figure.
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[12 Jun 2004|10:50am] |
Gah I hate being confused...Matt called me last night after his parents went to bed like he always does...cuz hes grounded donchaknow? But like...we were on for like five seconds...he said wuts up? i giggle and say the sky then i giggle again and he goes whats that all about? and i say nothing then i ask mandy if she wants me to turn off the tv and the next thing i know i hear him hang up on me...Soo yeah...I don't know if he's mad at me...or if he's now in more trouble cuz his mom found him...or gah...I don't know anything...
I now realize I forgot to mention that I made the mistake of calling after Matt's mom got home yesterday and got chewed out by her...she said shes told me he's grounded before and that she's seen my name on her caller I.D. before and if she sees it again she's going to have a talk with my mother...i was so tempted to say something like either my mother was dead and that she was extremely cold hearted for bringing it to my attention...or that she might not want to do that becuase my mother is on the rebound and only has one thing on her mind right now...lol.
Grrishness...I hope Matt calls me sometime today and tells me he's not mad...cuz if he is I'll feel so effing bad it's not even funny...and if he doesn't call me it will be worse because I won't be able to call him for two effing weeks...damn it I'll go effing insane...
So yes...I feel bad...but I did get to see him for a little bit yesterday...which makes it all seem a little better...I hope I get to see him again on monday though...maybe even a little time alone...hehe.
love you all mwuah mwuah mwuah!
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[11 Jun 2004|05:11pm] |
Okey dokey...Rissy just left around 3ish cuz her step-sister called saying her mom was in the hospital...we were freaking of course...but it all turned out okay...mommy only has pneumonia. She has a flight to NY booked for tomorrow morning...so I won't be seeing her until August at the earliest. But this week was hella fun. So much fun, much more then I thought it would be. I thought it was gonna be weird and awkward...but it was greatness.
Me and Matt ended up in his bed making out yesterday, it was funny at first...no offense hehe...at first we were standing up next to his bed and then he sorta started pushing me down, but I fell, and giggled. But like...we went back with me laying on my back and him leaning over me...classic make-out position...and we went like that for a while, til i started giggling a little bit and then I pushed him and climbed on top...he said "what the fuck?!" then smiled and went along with it, my arms got tired after like ten minutes, hehe apparently I put my whole body into kissing him...I wasn't even really grinding him...I didn't even really notice I was doing it...but he was hard as a mofo! Hehe...and it's not small either =D But yeah...people kept walking in on us...cuz Matt got his door taken away...lol...so yeah...first it was Brian...who wanted Matt to go do a resin hit with him...Matt said no...lol...then it was Rissy saying she wanted to leave...cuz like yeah...Ryan (the guy she met three days ago but made out with on the couch and let him finger her) had to leave...so yeah...then Ryan came up right after Rissy left...lol we were going at it again...and he was like "Haha nice man" then went to shake his hand, and was like "oh...you don't wanna touch that hand" and gave him his other hand...twas funny...then he walked out and we started at it again...then Rissy walked back in and said "Can we go yet?" Matt was like "Five more minutes" then Rissy left and came back up three minutes later.."C'mon Meg let's go" Matt:"Hey! That was only three minutes!" twas funnyness...So yeah...Matt is a classic...has all the classic moves that you see on movies when you make out...I had to spice things up a bit...which is why i climbed on top...hehe...but my arms got tired and I pulled him on top of me...he was kinda awkward so he only put one leg over mine...hehe but it was funy...after a while he pulled me back on top of him and said "your turn" i giggled...hehe...So yes...my first time making-out with Matt...greatness...=)))))))
But yeah...today though...wasn't half as good...we weren't even over at Matt's for ten minutes when Rissy started asking why Ryan left and all that goodstuff...so Matt called him and asked...so we ended up at Ryan and Brian's house...for mostly all day...where Matt got caught...he was sposed to be home...he's grounded doncha know? for getting arrested for curfew...so yeah...we added another week to his grounding...i felt so bad all day...I know it was me and Rissy's fault...if we hadn't been there he wouldn't have stayed...-sigh- so yeah...but when we (FINALLY) left Ryan and them...we were walking past Matt's house..and I noticed there were no cars in the drive way...so I told Riss we were gonna go see him. So we did...and we just had fun for like five ten minutes before we decided to go so as to not get him in more trouble...so I went to hug him...and he went "pfft" and closed the door...so I was like "You're so mean!" and walked away...hehe...Rissy made me come back and Matt said it was an accident...so we hugged and he pulled me more inside...then tried to close the door but Riss wouldn't let him so we kissed in front of her...hehe...then we went to the skate park and made daddy pick us up...then came home found out Rissy's mommy was in the hospital and rushed her home.
So yes my loves, that is my summer so far. It has definitely been great.
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[09 Jun 2004|08:12pm] |
As of June 8 I am back together with Matt...whether this will turn out a good or bad thing, I have yet to find out.
I kissed him for the first time yesterday, I was swimming, my head just wouldn't come out of the clouds. It was...perfect. People tell me all the time, you can't lose your virginity unless you're willing, and some even say it doesn't count unless it means something...is it the same with a kiss? I mean...I've kissed...more than my share of guys in my lifetime...and well...I never felt anything...ever. Not with Skippy, not with Max, not with David or Michael...but with Matt...it was...as I've already said...perfect. It didn't matter that we were kissing because every one had urged us too...it didn't matter that we were kissing to make up because I had just gotten him angry...It was like...fireworks. Old cliche...I know. But...it fits, very well. When he leaned in, and I could feel him holding me like he was...when he put his lips on mine...I got shivers and shakes and my knees went weak, I was afraid to close my eyes for fear it might slip away...I was scared too...I've never ever felt like that...but it was wonderful.
We kissed again when I had to leave...I was very surprised...this time no one was urging us...no one told us too...I don't even know if anyone but Rissy was watching...but I went to hug him, and he turned his head, I thought this was a sign to pull away so I started to. He says "Fine then be that way" right after I notice that he was getting closer than necessary...So I giggle (of course) and leaned into him...this time was better, I knew he wanted to. Everything from before happened and more. My heart was pounding and my blood was rushing, I was ecstatic. It was greatness.
So yeah...but the way we ended up dating was slightly unorthodox:
Rissy: Matt will you go out with Megan?
Me: -snap out of daydream- Huh?!
Matt: Hmmmmm...will I go out with Megan?.....ummmmm...yeah...-nod-
Rissy: Megan will you go out with Matt?
Me: -giggle- sure
Matt: Sure?!?
Me:-giggle-
So0o0o yeah...I didn't think he was serious...so I didn't think we were actually dating until Rissy asked him when we were on the phone later that night...he said we were...so we are.
We went over there again today...it was really great in the beginning...Matt was acting like he wanted us there for a while...then he got tired...and went upstairs saying he was going to sleep...so of course I followed five minutes after planning to jump on his bed...but I didn't jump...you can't mess around in his bed too much or it'll break...so yeah...we all just sat there for a while...the boys messing with the stereo...then we all went downstairs...and everyone was messing around with condoms...putting them on door knobs picture frames...anything of the like...Rissy threw one at Matt...they were chasing eachother all over the house..twas great. So yeah ladida we went on and on...then we played truth or dare...everyone but me went back on at least one dare...I even had to take of my top...bra included...and jump on Matt's trampoline. No one thought I'd actually do it...but I don't go back on dares...But after that...after we stopped playing...Matt got...iono...he just didn't seem like he wanted any of us there...I thought for a while that it was cuz he thought I was a slut...cuz...I had to make out with Brian twice...letting him rub my puss the second time...and the whole top thing...I thought he was mad at me...-shuffles feet- but he told Rissy he's not...so I guess he isn't. Yeah...then we came home..and I've been a bit apprehensive since...I still don't know whether he's really mad at me or not...it's not like he'll tell my best friend the truth. -sigh-
But but but over the weekend we went to Rissy's mommy's wedding and had tons of fun...great times...I got mecha sun burnt though..and by the end of the night I was in tears. Nothing triggered it either...that always happens though...when I'm having a great day...enjoying myself a lot...by the end of the night I'm broken down into tears...I have no idea why I do that...but it was fun all the same...and Daryl (Mommy's husband) made me cry...it was so sweet. I apologized for the break down...which lasted about twenty minutes mind you...and he said "Are you okay? I care about you, a lot. You're like a member of the family and we love you" you have to understand though...Daryl is a very quiet and reserved man...he doesn't show real feeling much. I was teary eyed...twas greatness. So yes..then we went home and that is my week wheeeeee comment honey babes -mwuah-
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[27 May 2004|11:50pm] |
Mmphm god damnit I hate it when you're right Kitty! Matt does like me after all...apparently a lot. mmm...hehe...
We went to the movies tonight...with like two of his friends...one who I don't think particularly liked me and the other who was hitting on me all night. Dax was hitting on me Brian wasn't...but yeah...we saw Shrek 2...except I've already seen it and so had Matt so we walked out. Dax stayed but Brian came with us. Damn him...lol...but yeah we just wandered around...ended up going into Copelands...Matt and Brian being idiots on all the equipment...and btw GODDAMN! I forgot just how fucking hot Matt was...mmmmmmmmmm...I had to keep my hands in my pockets all night to make sure I refrained from touching him too much...mmphm...but yeah...we eventually ended up back in the movie...then it ended....like five minutes later...and we all went outside. Note to self Dax is a major spaz...he was like literally jumping off the walls...Brian was the most mature out of em all...but that's ok cuz Matt is entertaining...mmphm...I wanted to kiss him so bad...but his friends just had to be there...lol...yah...so interesting night...Damn Matt is hot...sexiness just seems to ooze out of him (i almost spelt "seems" as "seemes" :-/) yes...I am extremely happy...
My daddy ended up driving all of them over to Brian's house...big shock...daddy was actually ok with all of it...I ended up getting a hug in before daddy noticed and I had to climb back in the car...that's all though. Daddy was teasing me on the way home while he was talking to Starr saying how my boyfriend had sat up front with him on the way home with his spiky hair...and mmmmm Matt's hair is back to red!!! :-)))))) makes me happy...just adds to his sexyness...mmm...so yeah then i got home and watched the wonderfulness that is south park then i went outside and read some of 1984...good good good book btw. Then Matt called from Brian's house...I was messing around and said "Matt dear if I didn't know any better I'd say you were hitting on me..." then he started laughing and turned to one of his friends saying: "Damn she's slow I've been hitting on her all night and she's just catching on." twas greatness...oooh but he made me blush like numerous times...most of the time just by looking at me...but the worst time was when: "So uh Megan...you think I have a chance with you?" me at a loss for words: -nod vigorously- him: "is that a yes?" me: -more vigorous nods but turned away now for fear of being compared to an extremely ripe tomatoe- hehe...so yes...mmphm...then he was talking to his friend thinking i couldnt hear him saying how hot i was and stuff...mmm...but apparently Dax was complimenting my tits...hehe...-smiles- tonight was great...really great...I hope I get to see him again...he was sposed to call me back but I didn't expect him to...I barely ever do...he's amazing me lately with how much he calls me though...I guess he does like me way more then I ever thought...hehe...-bites lip- why did daddy have to come so soon? -pouty face- I wanted to kiss him soooo00000oooo0000ooo000 bad...and I realize I'm ranting like a 13 year old girl...but that's what I am..and I am allowed to act and talk my age every once in a while right? mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I feel so good...he actually does like me...and I don't think I'm afraid of him anymore...maybe it will work out this time...hopefully...mm...I can't wait 'til next time. Mmphm...
<3Megan<3
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[06 May 2004|03:38pm] |
Updating cuz Kitty told me to...
So yeah..I miss Dearest a lot..I have no faffing idea what is going on...I wish I did..im extremely immensley insanely worried..while not at the same time..go figure...i plan on calling around fourish...so yes...i do believe i updated enough...i did right? Ok you better be happy with this Kat...
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[22 Apr 2004|09:09pm] |
Eeeee! Hehe I literally squeeled just like that a minute or so ago. Hehe...Matt called...Hehe...after thinking about him for so long..then finally hearing him...mm god it felt good. When I first saw his number on the caller I.D. my heart fluttered and I started blushing and my knees felt weak and I was shaking so bad...I was so nervous the whole time...I never have any clue what to say to him...but after a while...I just sank into it...he makes me feel so comfy...I do believe he was the only guy where I felt perfect in his arms...with James it feels really nice...but with Matt...mm...it was ecstasy...absoloute euphoria. Hehe...he wants me to call when I get home from school tomorrow...that makes me smile so much...mmmphm...hehe...I'll have something to keep me going through the day now...*bites her lip to keep from grinning all goofily* Mmm...First time I've felt really happy in a while...I know it will go away...that it will fade...but I'm loving it while it lasts. I think I'm gonna go curl up in bed and think of happy things before it does wear off.
Will someone please tell me what all those shakes and fluttery and blushy feelings were...cuz...I always got those when he called...and...I've never gotten them for anyone else. It isn't love I know...but mm...it feels good. Hehe...I hope I get to see him this weekend...*big smile* that would be absoloutely awesome...
Dearest you are my example for Plur-fection...whenever anyone asks what it means...I say look at Dearest...hehe...then I have to explain that...it's fun. <3 you dear...mwuah mwuah.
Sweet dreams everybody...
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[20 Apr 2004|06:57am] |
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:13:42 PM): yippee! 5 mins!
SockBunnyLvr (9:13:48 PM): hehe yay :-D
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:14:21 PM): gah, now im in a good mood and i cant tell u waht i wanted
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:14:21 PM): darn
SockBunnyLvr (9:14:31 PM): lol what did you want?
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:14:55 PM): i cant say, ill feel like a bitch
SockBunnyLvr (9:14:58 PM): lol
SockBunnyLvr (9:15:01 PM): youre silly
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:15:02 PM): god, put somthing in your info!
SockBunnyLvr (9:15:12 PM): lol i can never think of anything to put in there
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:15:48 PM): ....just put somthing!
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:16:21 PM): copy mine and put in there
SockBunnyLvr (9:16:33 PM): lol
SockBunnyLvr (9:16:40 PM): im filling it im filling it
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:16:46 PM): good!
SockBunnyLvr (9:17:17 PM): there
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:17:30 PM): god dammit
SockBunnyLvr (9:17:41 PM): what?
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:18:22 PM): crap
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:18:23 PM): i gotta go
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:18:26 PM): moms throwing me off
SockBunnyLvr (9:18:28 PM): ok
SockBunnyLvr (9:18:31 PM): sweet dreams
SockBunnyLvr (9:18:34 PM): nigh nigh
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:18:35 PM): you changed me...and i wish id never met you
SockBunnyLvr (9:18:40 PM): ...huh?
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:18:45 PM): i wish id never met you
SockBunnyLvr (9:18:48 PM): why?
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:18:53 PM): cuz u changed me
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:18:55 PM): and i dont want that
SockBunnyLvr (9:19:00 PM): how did i change you?
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:19:13 PM): you made me promise
SockBunnyLvr (9:19:16 PM): yes i did
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:19:25 PM): and thats why i hate you
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:19:28 PM): im sorry
SockBunnyLvr (9:19:32 PM): dont be
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:19:38 PM): im still talking to you, so your promise still stands
SockBunnyLvr (9:19:53 PM): i can accept that you hate me...just as long as you dont do anything stupid and that you hold up to your promise
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:20:37 PM): well i gotta go
SockBunnyLvr (9:20:40 PM): ok
Ziggy Fi FOD (9:20:42 PM): just keep your promise
SockBunnyLvr (9:20:44 PM): i will
SockBunnyLvr (9:20:47 PM): you have to too though
Ziggy Fi FOD signed off at 9:26:45 PM.
I wonder if he realizes how bad that hurt...but no matter. Max is going to live...and he can't go back on that. That makes me feel a whole helluva lot better. Oh yes...and Steven and I are fighting...hopefully he comes around in a day or so...I didn't do anything very bad...I was just teasing him. Oh well...that's my life at this point...oh yes...and dearest I miss you. Sorry if I didn't make it obvious yesterday just how much I love you. <3
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[18 Apr 2004|02:09pm] |
epeepurist (11:40:11 AM): mmph call max
Auto response from SockBunnyLvr (11:40:12 AM): <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
epeepurist (11:53:02 AM): megan, its max...im so sorry i did it, i just couldnt help it....i just cut until i couldnt think about you any more...it was the only way to take away the pain..im so sorry...please dont tell mom....
epeepurist (12:03:40 PM): im so sorry megan
Auto response from SockBunnyLvr (12:03:40 PM): <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
epeepurist (12:04:00 PM): its just...it was the only way to take away thepain
epeepurist (12:04:14 PM): just please dont tell mom
epeepurist (12:09:14 PM): i gotta jet, call me
epeepurist signed off at 12:20:30 PM.
says enough dont it? I hate myself...always will...
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